Monday, July 16, 2007

The Owned-by-the-Animals Creedo

Over the years, I have received this e-mail several times. It never fails to make me feel sheepish, as we do tend to let our fuzzies get away with an awful lot of these antics, particularly the hording of couch space. It is amazing to watch a cat take up more than half of a large sectional sofa. Incidentally, all of our animals are excellent communicators, even the fish: they leap out of the water and pop open the tank lid in Morse code for "feed me now, or the little fish gets it!"

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height (and of course they're smart enough to read it for themselves)

Dear Woggets, Cattages, Rabbitudinous-Buns, etc...

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less (doubtful with Linus around)
2. Don't ask for money all the time (uh, Frisbees don't grow on trees, ya know...)
3 Are easier to train (is there medication for Doggie ADHD?)
4. Normally come when called (except for that selective teenage hearing possessed by all dogs, no matter their age)
5. Never ask to drive the car (actually, Anna asks all the time. She says she's smarter than all of us, and her lack of thumbs is no impediment to her road-skilz)
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends (Um, can anyone say catnip?)
7. Don't smoke or drink (only because we don't trust them with matches or cork screws--Piper seems like a menthol and Merlot kind of girl)
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions (they prefer the state of nature...we humans are the aberrations in their nudist colony)
9. Don't want to wear your clothes (however, Linus likes to sleep with his feet in Grace's sandals)
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college (...but knee replacements are another story...)

"What!? Tevas are the coolest, man..."

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